Click here for more information. "The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'? The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person that upset you. These one-liners are so silly and stupid, you can't help but love them. Excuse Jokes - Joke Buddha Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action. We are published by the George Lucas Educational Foundation, a nonprofit, nonpartisan organization. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. 50 Funny Jokes for Teens Sure To Get a Laugh - Parade "* "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. Do you have a thermometer? When the police officer arrived, he asked, When were you last driving the car? Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Dotdash Meredith Publishing Family. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund. He walks up to them and asks Excuse me, I couldnt help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps?. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. My job is pretty secure, as no one else wants it. Recently, I woke up to find that two of my cars tires had been stolen. Expert say you should avoid these mistakes. But as you can see from these amputee jokes compiled by Bored Panda, some people know . 20. What she wrote instead was egg corns, and ever since, linguists have had a new toy: eggcorns, words and phrases that people screw up: Funny School Excuses Notes, The Excuse - Jokes, Gags, Humorous Stories brought to you by The Poddys , Excuse Jokes from TheClyde's Searchable Humour Archive. Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary. He dutifully filled out his name and address. What do you do with the snow when it melts? HR manager: Whats your biggest weakness?. ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb. I'm great at multitasking. That pig ran for help. This piece was originally submitted to our community forums by a reader. I left my car unattended for a minute and, whether by accident or design, it ran away. He sits down on a bar stool and orders himself a gin-tonic. 14 Hilarious Homework Excuses ByHillary Hill August 21, 2015 If you're an educator, you've undoubtedly heard your fair share of excuses from students who don't have their assigned homework with them, which can range from plausible to hilariously absurd. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. 24. var xhr = new XMLHttpRequest(); When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. I asked, giggling. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! 7. Theyre gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.. I can't come into work today. 10 Hilarious Excuses for Calling in Sick - azcentral.com Well, that must be your feet. Hilariously and movingly, Timpf argues that those subjects are actually the most important to joke about. So I went up to the casino to try to double my money.". Sure, you'll get funny looks from the other potential jurors, but who cares? See you later should not be taken literally. 20 Most Funny Excuses for Not Doing Homework What happened at 8:30?. How cute! The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. If these icebreaker jokes made you laugh, you'll definitely want to read the50 Knock Knock Jokes Guaranteed to Crack You Up. So he asked me to hand in a paper, I took out a paper from my bag and gave it to him. After obtaining a BA in Media and Communications, she decided to launch her own showbiz-themed website TellTalesOnline.com. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. You would need 113 points to earn a D. I got lost and ended up in a different state. One was George Orwells Animal Farm. ", A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. In my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.. My boss is very easygoing. Theres no snow in the kitchen. I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. His wife had promised him sex once he returned home. The reason Im here My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. My wife asked, Cant we sit in the truck while you find your keys?. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. OK, he said. 15 Funny Excuses ideas | funny, funny pictures, funny - Pinterest However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didnt salute. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Do you have any suggestions?. Car Insurance Claims: 15 Bizarre Excuses | Reader's Digest My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. Q: In The Tempest, why does Ariel sing in Gonzalos ear? I had been learning to drive with power steering. It helps me do stupid things faster and with more energy. } ); Dont try these real excusesthey didnt work the first time. 16. The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week. It was a calendar factory. I told her. Alive. The woman says, I can make the boss give me the day off., The man replies, And how are you going to do that?, She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. "* "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. Whats better than being in the special olympics? [words in parentheses were crossed out.] Funny Science Jokes: Hilarious Science Jokes Nerds Will Love | Reader's Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter? 29. The greatest part about working from home is not wearing a bra. Unleash your silly side and read up on our dumb jokes and stupid but funny jokes. Funny Short Jokes - School Excuse Notes. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: A woman wanted inspirational material on grass and lawns. Who Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to A defendant isnt happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it on a fruit salad. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors. I'm still drunk from last night. I know the economy isnt great, but Ive got three companies after me, and Id like to respectfully ask for a raise.. 90% of the things I worry about never happen! The first five days after the weekend are the hardest. Need to know ASAP. They'll be sticking around and you won't! "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. The public perception of insurance company representatives may be that they do a rather dreary job. Shit on a stick. A: Sixagon. } else { 10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home. If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? The bartender looks on in total surprise and gives him a gin-tonic. "How?" The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" Think accepting that excuse is bad? Whats your word? the host replied. Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas All Rights Reserved. none they just beat the room for being black. Edutopia is a free source of information, inspiration, and practical strategies for learning and teaching in preK-12 education. 14. There's a better way to break the ice than asking, "so, what do you do?" Whoops, didn't see you back there. Before I realized, it was too late already.". A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. It was the mail carrier. The neighbor didnt reply. The woman was extolling the beauty of the island when suddenly she let out a scream. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: When the ______ is dead, the car wont start. And thats how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University. I'm not late, I'm just early for tomorrow. 25. So, here are some of the best homework excuses that are serious, funny, and might even work for strict teachers! "Whew! 4. Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. I just need one copy.. So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. 23. Share a giggle with these funny jokes! Please excuse Johnnie for being. She spent this weekend with the Marines.11. Others whenever they go. While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered it. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is. The librarian replies, Im sorry, we dont stock periodicals., She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. Can you tell me what kind it is? she asked. She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. It waves! for a few days. Driving on the roads would be a lot safer for all of us, if people walking around didn't insist on causing accidents by getting in the way: We perhaps don't always have the greatest sympathy for traffic patrol officers, but maybe we should - they obviously have some very tricky situations to deal with: Cows seem to be a particular menace when confronted by car drivers. We recommend our users to update the browser. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, Do you smoke? Yeah, a pack On our commute to work, my husband stopped at a convenience store for coffee. one slip of the tongue and youre in deep shit. 51 Amputees Who Lost Their Limbs, But Not Their Humor | Bored Panda 34 of the funniest excuses ever uttered You're bad? What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common? One coworker asks why she left that job. "* "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. ", "Are you a 45-degree angle? Instant de-stress. Gone into paper shredder. says the boss. A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. 29 Jun 2023 23:19:54 One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards. A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. The free wiffie, she said, pointing to the sign. Let's go through some good, bad, and iffy excuses for missing work! Why do women have small feet? Read good excuse goodbye jokes no one knows ( to tell your friends ) that will make you laugh out loud. 2. If your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows. Me: Excuse me, there's a large rat in your restroom. Whats the difference between Jews and Santa Clause? Anyones better than the jerk whos in there now.. Sir, A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominos Pizza: A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominos Pizza: Customer: Yoooo I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, Its Just Bread Heres a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: "Do you ever lay looking up at the stars and think of all the messed up things in the world? The woman asked, Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?. Can you describe it? I asked. Perhaps its time to crack a joke and have a laugh with your colleagues (or even by yourself, if theyre difficult and you hate them). So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. I wish the grass in my back lawn was emo. As he pulled it out, he replied, "No wonder the guy in there asked me if I was getting good reception.". Yes, she said. "My email password has been hacked. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.12. Im confused., FURTHER READING Realizing you only put in 11. All rights reserved. It was something my boss said, the woman replied. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. via GIPHY. Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive and straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early. The woman was extolling the A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. "It's my testicles, doctor." And for some great advice on wowing the opposite sex, know the 20 Words Men Use That Always Make Women Cringe. Stephen Hawking after a house fire. Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar rsums. Bored on your lunch break? 27. "I know," said the old lady. N.B: Please note, all my articles are best read on desktops and laptops. What do you call the useless skin around the vagina? Due to audience interest, weve preserved it. Discover funny excuses 's popular videos | TikTok When I went to take it out, I discovered that A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. Because it wasnt born yesterday. What do you call a deaf gynecologist? I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. "No. Who built the English Channel? Of course, he responded. A tearjerker. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. What happens when a Jew with an erection runs into a wall? 14. As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd. one slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. 13. He stops someone and asks, "Excuse me. She explained that shed fallen in love with the American West by watching Westerns. All I did was take a day off. The Thought Of Lugging Down Your Textbook To Class Put Me In The Counseling Center. The giveaway? While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. It was a "mean" thing to say! Iced coffee is one Euro more. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.2. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the Start button. Funny Speeding Ticket Quotes #1 Nothing like donuts to get to on a police officer's good side. 5 Foolproof Excuses To Get Out Of Jury Duty - Monkey Pickles So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. Heres a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: Women play a greater role in business. 37+ Howlingly Hilarious Good Excuse Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. Most people love to laugh. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity.. He always arrives precisely when he means to. You Can't Joke About That: Why Everything Is Funny, Nothing Is Sacred ", "The gym is like church. A PDF File. Yet it seems both these professions have their moments of mirth; and not least when dealing with the claims and excuses of those members of the public who have been involved in an unfortunate car accident. Doctor Watson says, I prefer librarians. A tenant?. 14. What would Martin Luther King be if he wasnt black? The rest of the house needs cleaned too. Santa Clause goes down chimneys. The bartender, still amazed, curious about what will happen next asks him for $20. Are you talking to me? he asked. * My car ran out of gas on the way to work. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. Get the Other Person Talking With an Icebreaker Question, Don't Be Afraid to Make Corny Icebreaker Jokes, Ask an Unexpected Question with a Silly Answer, Don't Be Afraid to Improvise Your Icebreakers, When You're Not Sure What To Say Next at the Party, When You Want To Talk To the Person Next To You at the Bar, When You Want to Impress During a Job Interview, While Asking Someone to Spot You at the Gym, In the Dressing Room Line at a Department Store, When You Want to Stop a Stranger on the Street. I received a threatening phone call from the electric company and needed to report it to the FBI. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets. Thanks for coming back for me, the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. Sir, are you going to answer me? A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. He breaks his nose. Holidays sauce (Hollandaise sauce). 26. 43. Not a fan of "Star Trek"? Just don't follow it up with one of these lousy lines. 50 Funny Office Jokes to Share with Your Coworkers - CareerAddict One neighbor wont stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long. Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. I said to him "It's 2020 bro, use whatever printer you like", He said, "Oh? What she wrote instead was egg corns, and ever since, linguists have had a new toy: eggcorns, words Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. What about that one over Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with plis. "* "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? I said, Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling whats real from whats not.. Its a huge event. A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog German. Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? A man saw a lady with big breasts. Excellent, excellent! says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. May he restaurant in peace. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a real ice breaker." How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? the neighbor drawled. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again. When does a pentagon not have 5 sides? Mute point (moot point) "You have a Q-tip sticking out of your ear." Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze. The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?! address: The From the best clean jokes for adults to funny clean jokes of the day, this big SFW list has something hilarious for everyone: kids, teens, seniors and co-workers. Edutopia and Lucas Education Research are trademarks or registered trademarks of the George Lucas Educational Foundation in the U.S. and other countries. asks the boss. The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.. Its a huge event. Fun Office Pranks that Wont Get You Fired. The brunette says, I know how to get some time off from work! How? asks the blonde. 50 Math Jokes and Funny Math Puns for Kids - Parade ", "Yeah, a pack and a half a day," said the patient. Questions from tourists, like these: A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did." Look at their oddball requests: 38. DeltaQuest Media Limited. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. 23. Most other places have tons of smoking rules., The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope. But no one hears him.. is he really being polite? "Excuse me? What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? My dog looked too cute and I had to stay to pet her some more. Work life can get monotonous and incredibly stressful at times. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him: He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room. A warning that if you cook this at 275F for three hours instead of at 400F for 25 minutes, its completely ruined. Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. The public perception of policemen and women may be that they do an extremely serious job. My boss told me that theres no such thing as problems, only opportunities. And for more tips on what to say when meeting new people, This is the Best Way to Make New Friends! 9. Two old friends caught up for lunch. Whats better than winning a silver medal at the paralympics? The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" She wrote: Driver.. Also, how do you pick up hot chicks at Auschwitz? Upon further investigation, police discovered his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out., Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?". "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Education: I have a bachelorette degree in computers. (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.) and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!". Last night at 11:00, I said. A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasnt at work. After all, I eat chicken eggs. Its a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. A few years back, a woman wanted to use the word acorns. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. Some may be the spur of the moment, mangled attempt of a guilty individual trying to deflect blame from himself or herself. Whats the difference between an onion and a hooker? Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either. Ash. 18. 32. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: When the ______ is Student: I dont understand why my grade was so low. On his first day he goes to Starbucks for coffee and decides to try it out: Excuse me, can you tell me how old you think I am? and the girl goes I dont know53? He says well thats great, Im actually 61. Later that day, he goes to McDonal, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Father, I think this church should be able to afford its own! A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver. Watch popular content from the following creators: JROB(@jrobdarcel), The Varney Family(@varneyfamily), Julian Hagins(@julianhagins), COOKIE(@c00kiek1ng), Luan Legacy(@theluanlegacy) . An officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel. What do you call Jewish Pokemon trainer? Sorry officer for throwing the beer cans out the window but I didn't want my wife to see how many that I have drunk. Then Id be a football fan.. 26. A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. Really funny jokes-The excuse Aron goes to see his supervisor in the front office. One day I was My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. I love my job. He hasnt taken our motorcycle out all day. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange. 12. If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? Had a woman call 911 because she had dj vu in the shower and got nervous. Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weak days. A rocket chip. 25. 50 Funny and Bizarre Excuses Given to Police and Insurance - LetterPile The interviewer told me Id start on $2,000 a month, which would increase to $2,500 a month in six months time. A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebodys yard. This is an updated version of an article originally published on 30 August 2019 and contains contributions by staff writer Shalie Reich. ", The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. Please reply immediately. Me: Do you have the DVD of Sharknado? 20 Funny Excuses To Use When You're Late For Class Q: What part of the body is affected by glandular fever? An employee couldn't come to work because she accidentally got on a plane. We've rounded up foolproof icebreaker lines and icebreaker jokes that will always get people laughing, so you can ace those intros with confidence. So they can stand closer to the sink. 8. No, she said. There are over 200 short jokes that will keep you and your friends chucklesnorting all day! He has very loose vowels. I quit smoking and Im grouchy. 27. It turns out there are ways to be happy at work by reading through our list of office jokes and puns! RT @xjhannaa: They all excuse blatant misogyny by saying it's "just a joke"/"impression farming" & don't see the irony behind calling every woman who disagrees ugly ??? Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once! What can I do? Do you have Why did you choose a college so far from home? I asked my British student. A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. ", "Catch a man a fish and he can eat for a day. I am sure they will make you smile too, and I would love to hear of any others you may know of. Me: So, should I stay or leave? ", "So, do you believe in love at first sight, or do you want to walk by me again? As he got back into the car, I noticed something odd. My parents A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. 47. A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. Excuse Gloria. ", "People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. A: A Russian ballet company. Seeing a fire engine: This reason is probably going to make you snicker since it has all the earmarks of being entertaining.